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"He Asked Me To Kill Him" Chapter 38 The First Lie

The monastery chamber felt colder after the letter.

Not physically.

Historically.

Seraphina sat motionless at the old reading table while Aurelia’s journal remained open beneath trembling candlelight, the confession written in fading ink between them like a wound refusing to close properly.

Lucien hadn’t moved from the window alcove.

Outside, snow pressed softly against ancient stained glass while underground silence settled heavily through the hidden room.

Seraphina looked down again at Aurelia’s final note.

I thought love would make him merciful.

God.

The sentence hurt in ways she couldn’t fully explain yet.

Because somewhere deep inside herself, she understood exactly why Aurelia believed that.

She’d started believing impossible things too.

That Lucien could survive softness.

That kindness could somehow exist inside war without being punished for it eventually.

Dangerous thoughts.

Very dangerous thoughts.

Lucien finally spoke after several long minutes.

“The Church never intended peace.”

His voice echoed quietly through the chamber.

Not bitter.

Worse.

Certain.

Seraphina looked toward him.

Lucien stood beside the cracked stained-glass window with one hand resting lightly against the stone frame while snowlight softened the exhaustion carved permanently into his face.

The posture looked familiar now.

This was how he stood when memory hurt too much to survive directly.

“Aurelia thought the Order wanted negotiation,” he continued quietly. “Some of them did.”

He looked toward the old journal.

“But the Church understood something very early.”

Seraphina listened carefully.

Lucien’s gaze drifted somewhere far beyond the chamber walls now.

“Fear creates loyalty faster than peace.”

The sentence settled heavily through the room.

Because it explained everything.

The propaganda.

The rewritten history.

The endless war between hunters and vampires carefully maintained across centuries like an institution feeding itself.

Seraphina leaned back slowly in the old chair.

“They needed monsters.”

“Yes.”

“And if vampires stopped being monsters…”

“Then the Church lost power.”

Lucien’s eyes met hers again afterward.

Steady.

Honest.

“They couldn’t allow coexistence. Not permanently.”

Seraphina thought about the relic experiments.

The tortured children.

Aldric speaking about sacrifice like suffering qualified as holiness.

The realization made her feel suddenly sick again.

“All this time…” she whispered. “We weren’t protecting humanity.”

Lucien didn’t interrupt.

Didn’t soften it.

That was one of the things terrifying her most lately.

He respected her enough to let truth remain ugly.

“You were protecting the institution,” he said quietly.

The chamber fell silent afterward except for distant water dripping somewhere deep beneath the crypt.

Seraphina stared down at Aurelia’s handwriting again.

“She really thought she could fix it.”

Lucien smiled faintly then.

Small.

Grief-shaped.

“Aurelia believed every broken thing could still become better if people chose honesty.”

The affection in his voice nearly hurt.

Not romanticized.

Remembered.

Like speaking about someone whose absence never stopped rearranging the shape of his life.

Seraphina watched him carefully.

“You loved her.”

Lucien looked genuinely startled by the question.

Not because it offended him.

Because apparently centuries hadn’t made discussing it easier.

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“Yes,” he said softly.

Simple answer.

Absolute answer.

No performance.

The honesty settled warmly and painfully through the chamber all at once.

Seraphina should have felt threatened by it.

Instead she felt strangely relieved.

Because love survived inside him.

Even after betrayal.

Even after torture and war and six centuries of loneliness.

That mattered.

Lucien crossed slowly back toward the table afterward.

Not graceful.

Not theatrical.

Just tired.

He lowered himself into the chair opposite hers while old wood creaked softly beneath the movement.

For a moment neither spoke.

The candle between them flickered gently while snowlight painted silver across the ancient journal pages.

Then Seraphina asked quietly:

“What did they do to you?”

Lucien went still.

Not defensive.

Careful.

The room itself seemed to tighten slightly around the silence afterward.

Seraphina almost apologized.

Then Lucien exhaled slowly and answered anyway.

“They chained me beneath the cathedral for forty-three days.”

The number hit like physical impact.

Seraphina stared at him.

Lucien’s gaze remained fixed somewhere near the candle flame instead of her face.

“They used sanctified silver,” he continued calmly. “Holy water. Starvation.”

His voice never changed.

That somehow made it worse.

No dramatics.

No anger.

Just memory worn smooth through repetition.

“Aurelia tried stopping them after the first week.”

Seraphina’s chest tightened painfully.

“What happened?”

Lucien’s mouth curved faintly.

Not humor.

“She learned too late that institutions protect themselves before people.”

The chamber suddenly felt difficult to breathe inside.

Seraphina imagined Aurelia discovering the betrayal.

Imagined Lucien chained beneath cathedral stone while the woman who loved him realized her own family helped orchestrate it.

God.

No wonder history buried this place.

No wonder the Church rewrote everything afterward.

Because if the first Van Helsing loved a vampire—

then the entire foundation of the Order became a lie.

Lucien finally looked at her fully again.

And for the first time since entering the chamber, Seraphina realized he seemed… afraid.

Not physically.

Emotionally.

Like telling her this story cost him something real.

“Aurelia died trying to free me,” he said quietly.

The words landed softly.

Brutally.

Seraphina closed her eyes briefly.

“I’m sorry.”

Lucien studied her face for a long moment afterward.

Then:

“You didn’t do it.”

“No,” she whispered. “But my bloodline did.”

The old guilt returned immediately.

Inherited now.

Centuries deep.

Lucien shook his head once.

“Aurelia would hate hearing you say that.”

“How do you know?”

A faint sadness entered his expression.

“Because she spent most of her life trying to become more than what her family built.”

The answer settled quietly between them.

Not absolution.

Understanding.

And suddenly Seraphina realized something equally terrifying:

Lucien never once blamed her for Blackthorn.

Not truly.

Even after everything.

Because somewhere inside him, he still separated people from the systems that shaped them.

The compassion of it nearly broke her.

Neither spoke for a while afterward.

The chamber glowed softly beneath candlelight while snow continued falling beyond stained glass windows overhead.

Lucien rested one forearm loosely against the table now, exhaustion visible around the edges of him in ways he normally hid carefully.

Seraphina looked at him for several long seconds.

At the man history called monster.

At the survivor still carrying tenderness through six centuries of betrayal.

At the exhaustion he never showed anyone else fully.

Then quietly—

before fear could interrupt—

she reached across the table and touched his face.

Voluntarily.

No panic.

No hesitation.

Just fingertips brushing lightly against cold skin beside his jaw while candlelight flickered softly between them.

Lucien froze instantly.

Not because he disliked it.

Because she’d chosen it freely.

The realization passed visibly across his expression like something fragile unfolding carefully after years trapped in darkness.

Seraphina’s thumb brushed once lightly beneath his cheekbone.

“You deserved better than what they did to you,” she whispered.

Lucien looked at her like the words hurt more than the torture ever had.

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